On the last day of school, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the sweet shop owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of chocolate!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the Brewer's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it Watneys?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched several more drops to her tongue. "Is it a larger?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Christmas Day. A snail slides into a bar, approaches to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of best please." The barman says "I'm sorry, but no, you're not getting a drink." The snail asks "Why not?" The barman snorts "No reason, you're just not getting one." The now desperate snail says "Oh come on. It's Christmas Day. And I've got the money". He reaches into his shell and produces the cash. The fed up barman replies "You're not getting a drink. Now get out of my pub." He picks up the snail and throws him out of the bar.

Christmas Day the following year: The snail slithers into the same bar, goes up to the bartender and says "What did you do that for?"

Scientists have discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To test their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 10 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn?t drive.

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out screaming except one old man. The devil walks up to him and says "Do you know who I am?". The old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

Two crocodiles walk into a pub. The landlord says: "Evening gentlemen. Why the long faces?".

After the Beer Festival at Olympia, in London, some of the brewery chiefs decided to go out to a bar. The man from Corona sits down and says "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery heads look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The barman finally says that the bar is closed. The Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. He then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Englishman asks the barman for a spoon and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get ee out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scotsman picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee varmint. Spit it out! Now!"

An Irishman, Mexican, Pole, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the snooker table and eats the cue-ball. Infuriated, the barman says: "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball! GET OUT NOW!" the man left.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a lead. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his backside, pulls it out then eats it! The barman asks: "Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says: "Yes, ever since that cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"