The Orchard Scale A Scientific Measurement of flatulance

Score

Description

Causes

Effects

01

Fresh Air

Natural

None

02

Slight fragrance

Natural

What's the problem

03

Mild flatulence

Natural

Starts to irritate lasses

04

Minor guff

Legumes, pulses etc

Lads start to take notice

05

Average

Lager, kebabs etc

Lasses disgusted

06

Foul cloud

More lager, curry etc 

Respect

07

Nausea

Guinness, curry

Human tolerance limit

08

Vomit inducer

Guinness, madras

Prolonged exposure will lose you your dinner 

09

Mate Melter

08 repeatedly

Evacuation imminent

10

Furniture Flamer

Real Ale, Vindaloo 

Caution: This will cause physical damage