Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:

You don't recognise your spouse unless seen through bottom of glass
That pink elephant followed you home again
You're as jober as a sudge
The garden is drunk from too frequent watering
You fall off the floor
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth...
You can focus better with one eye closed.
You fall off the floor...
Mosquitoes can't fly after attacking you
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYPMTOM: Lap cool and wet.
FAULT : Drooling on yourself.
ACTION : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Room is spinning.
FAULT: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
ACTION: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

SYMPTOM: Bar moving.
FAULT : You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

SYMPTOM: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
FAULT : You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
FAULT : You have fallen over forwards.
ACTION: Same as for falling over backwards.

SYMPTOM: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim.
FAULT: The pub is closing.
ACTON: PANIC!